The only person thinking about you is YOU

We have all been there. We gave a speech, a presentation, had a conversation, and then spent the rest of the day(s) or more thinking about how it could, should, would have gone, if only…….

To quote Dale Carnegie, ‘there are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practised, the one you gave and the one you wish you gave'.

Or when you are on a zoom call and wonder what others are thinking about you and your actions when you are the last thing on their mind. Ouch.

We are our harshest critics. We ruminate over the smallest things (big in perception), which in reality NO ONE else even noticed.

Why? Because we are human.

To quote one of my favourite thought leaders, Col Fink:

‘Without exception, people are human. We’re not emotionless automatons, nor faultless superheroes. We’re incredibly smart and remarkably stupid. We’re deeply committed and hilariously lazy. We’re fiercely loyal and totally flakey.’

To learn about yourself, watch your video replays

Take me for example, I have been in front of the camera a fair amount recently. My zoom sessions are recorded and capturing notes and learning points requires me to view them again.

It is tiring (re)watching me. I am like an energizer bunny. I move a lot, have many facial expressions, I am long-winded at times, and I have realised that I love the phrase ‘you know’.

Not how I wanted to show up. I felt like I failed myself.

This does not apply to my LinkedIn/Youtube videos. I am the opposite in these because they are scripted, short and succinct. But I re-watch them too.

It takes courage to watch yourself on video. I feel I need to conjure the energy to watch myself.

And this is not a phenomenon that is faced by us mere mortals. I once watched an interview with a leading actress (can’t remember her name) who said she needs a moment before she can watch the movies she is in!

Could this be a female phenomenon?!

Make ‘failures’ learning moments

But here’s the thing – in all ‘my failures’ I see room for acceptance and growth. I am high energy and extroverted by nature. But I also believe good content needs to be delivered dispassionately and the energizer bunny gets in the way of that. It works in certain contexts but not always.

I need to find a balance between being my authentic self and getting my content across.

So, I analyse and apply my findings in my very next session. And guess what, my future self looks a bit better already – to me anyway.

These situations make us do the ‘over’ loop as I call it.

We over-think, over-analyse, are over-critical, over-judgemental, and more.

And these thoughts come with a related set of emotions that keep us held in the past. Sabotaging our future selves.

And we can feel many emotions both related and unrelated to the event often clouding what is real from what we feel.

What may seem a disaster to us (feeling) may not even feature in our audience's mind (real).

So, what we see as ‘failure’ may not be a failure at all. But it consumes our cognitive and emotional bandwidth. Not ideal.

And whilst on the topic of ‘failure’, here’s an important fact, failure is an event not a person.

It can be hard to separate the two and we often take it personally. We are human after all.

The grieving process

But failure is a type of grief and it is important to navigate it through the process of grieving.

This process can be short or long depending on how you view your situation. For me, in my example above it was short. I went through the stages quite quickly.

The key is to bring awareness to your grieving, acknowledge where you are and navigate your way towards growth.

We can feel multiple emotions at a time and during grief, these can go into overdrive. We may not be able to choose which ones show up but we CAN choose how we navigate them.

Emotions show up for a reason and they have a story to tell. Listen, acknowledge then navigate.

So, for the sake of your future self, do not be hard on yourself.

Instead, practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

It is easier to nurture your future self from here.

Your future self knows the right direction and right destination.

Do not hold it back!

I am here to help.