Experimenting on yourself

Change takes effort but is possible.

Transformational change requires more effort. It is deeper character change affecting our sense of self impacting our way of being.

And unlike learning a skill, like playing the guitar, where you can measure your progress, transformational change is not easy to measure.

It is more trial and error and having to rely on yourself to ascertain progress.

Progress typically is when you feel a change within yourself which hopefully is reflected through feedback from your outer world.

How ever you choose to look at it, it is work in progress and an accountability and resilience challenge.

But this is how transformation happens.

Change – the trial and error experiment

We can get caught up in thinking, feeling, and acting the way we always have, and rethinking these is the first step towards change.

I call this getting off autopilot. We do things automatically without giving them much thought. It’s fantastic for things that are ‘mechanical’ like driving, the daily routines, etc.

But change cannot take place in autopilot mode. We need our sensors, (thoughts, feelings, and instincts) to give us feedback. We need to be present to receive and process the information our sensors are giving us.

And this is crucial because change is a trial and error experiment.  

I dislike telemarketers especially those from banks. They always get my name wrong and my gender. I have a low tone over the phone, and they assume I am male.

Every. Single. Time.

I have been told that personal details such as gender, or salutation are not available on their records. I find this hard to believe.

That just evokes a whole set of emotions flooding my body informing me of the outcome that was about to follow.

Let’s just say the call usually ends within 15 seconds leaving me feeling not very good about myself. I have never had the chance to ask these telemarketers about their experience of me. But I don’t think there would be anything positive to report back.

As an aside, I think telemarketers are a robust breed because it takes bravery to be one.

I began to dislike my reaction during these calls and decided I wanted to change.

But first, I had to get off autopilot. I noticed that I went into telemarketer response mode during each call. My ‘here we go again’ story starts to play with my automated response ready for whatever they tried to sell me.

We never get to what they are trying to sell me because most of the call is spent correcting my name and gender.

The journey to the self

First, I had to be present. In his book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says, ‘if there is no joy and lightness in what you are doing, it does not necessarily mean that you need to change what you are doing. It may be sufficient to change the how. How is always more important than the what. See if you can give much more attention to the doing than to the result that you want to achieve through it’.

And I did. The best way was to be present with the emotions I felt during the calls. You can find the three facts about your emotions here.

We can feel multiple emotions at a time. And although we cannot choose which emotions we feel, we CAN choose which ones we internalise (make a part of us through practise) and which ones we express.

I feel many emotions when on a call with a telemarketer. Mainly annoyance, irritation, dislike, and impatience (because introductions take too long and they get it wrong).

I decided it was time to review these and look for emotions (through the stories of each emotion) that would be more helpful instead.

This was my how.

I replaced irritation and dislike with curiosity and annoyance with tolerance and impatience with patience.

I have been trying this over the last six months and I am getting better. The first few calls were uncomfortable. That told me that I needed to focus more on the how and with deliberate practice, I am improving.

How do I know this?

The length of the call is now more than 15 seconds and we do get to the part where I find out what product they are trying to sell me.

This was huge for me. Getting beyond 15 seconds. I am never really interested in the products from banks, but it was important for me, my future self, to let the telemarketer get to their sale.

Your choice

But ultimately it is NOT about the telemarketer or the product.

And this is an important distinction here. It is about me and my how.

And the emotion of tolerance has helped me. It is a step towards acceptance.

Tolerance:

Story: I will put up with this situation until it changes

Impulse: To put up with another for the moment

Purpose: allows us to take a step towards being in relationship

But it has required me to be fully present and that was my change. Getting off autopilot.

Eckhart Tolle defines being fully present as “completely accept what is, because you cannot give your full attention to something and at the same time resist it”.

It is trial and error and experimenting on myself goes on.

It is a journey to the self after all and there are options and therefore choices to make along the way.

And if one approach does not work, try something else.

I am here to help.