I am currently preparing to work on a client project that uses transaction analysis (TA). My client uses it as a practical tool to help their people engage better. I am not new to TA, but it has been a while since I have used it in as much depth as my client does. As I re-immersed myself in TA, I realised what a useful tool it is and one that we all could benefit from.

Transactional analysis is a psychoanalytical theory developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s. Transactions refer to the communication exchanges between people. It is an intellectual tool that helps us understand the basis of behaviour or feeling in communication and allows us to examine it and choose the way we want to respond. The communication typically consists of a stimulus by one person (the sender) and a response by another (the receiver). This in turn becomes a new stimulus for the sender to respond to.  

TA recognised that the human personality is made up of three ego states: the parent, the adult, and the child. Each of which is an entire and consistent system of thought, feeling, and behaviour from which we interact with each other. The Parent, Adult, and Child ego states and the interaction between them form the foundation of transactional analysis theory.

The three states exist in all of us. They are recordings in the brain of actual experiences of internal and external events – with the first five years of life signifying the most important years.

The Parent

This is everything we learned from our parents in our first five years of life. It is the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours we ‘borrowed’ from our parents or caregivers. Some of the ‘how tos’ that we practice today form our parent data.

The parent ego state can be further divided into 2 functions: the nurturing parent and critical parent. The nurturing is soft, loving and permission-giving. Whilst the critical parent holds our dos and don’ts. The rules for living, feeling, behaving, and believing from our parents.

As you can imagine, some of the messages we hold in the parent ego state can be helpful whilst other messages not. (Note: you don’t have to be a parent to use the parent ego state)

The Child

If the parent ego state is represented by the recordings of data of external events, there is another set of recordings happening simultaneously. This is the internal events, the responses of the child to what we hear and see. In early life, the child has no vocabulary, most of their reactions are feelings. So, when a person is in a grip of feelings, the child ego state takes over.

All our thoughts and emotions from our childhood days form our present-day memories and experiences. Our childlike ways can appear later in life. Bringing the same childhood feelings today that we felt back then.  

The child ego state can be divided into 2 parts: the free child and adapted child. The free child experiences the world spontaneously and directly. The adapted child is part of our personality that has learned to comply with our parental messages we received growing up.

The Adult

The adult ego state is our data processing centre. It is the part of our personality that can process data accurately using our senses and thinking. Problem-solving is based on the facts and not solely on preconceived thoughts and ideas or childlike emotions.

The adult ego state data is accumulated from the child’s ability to discern the difference between the taught (parent), felt (child) concepts of life. The adult concept develops through thought based on data gathered and processed.

The principal role of the adult ego state consists of validating or invalidating old data, discerning new data, and refiling it for future use.

So, how do we know which ego state we are using in our transactions?

There are several ways to tell which ego state we or someone else is using. Usually through the tone of voice, choice of words, emotional state, or way of being, body posture, and gestures.

If soft and soothing, the sender is probably in a nurturing parent ego state. If the tone is harsh, disapproving or threatening, then the sender is probably in a critical parent ego state. An even, controlled and clear tone of voice usually implies the adult ego state. A free child tends to have an emotion-laden tone of voice. And the adapted child may either whine or conform, behaving as what is expected of them.

Similarly, gestures, choice of words, body posture can signify which state we are using. The Parent typically warns or wags their finger with stern facial expressions – seeking to be understood. The Adult has more thoughtful expressions, often nods their head in agreement with contemplative facial expressions – seeking to understand. The child is more expressive both physically and emotionally. Typically, one of excitement with more noticeable gestures – seeking.  

I will stop here this week. Next week I shall continue with analysing transactions and where dissonance can occur and how to navigate it. Until then, I invite you to analyse your daily transactions to discern your ego states.

Is there an ego state that you use more?

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com