A deeper look at our ego states

Last week I introduced Transactional Analysis (TA) and the 3 ego states we use. The Parent, Adult, Child. This week let’s go a little deeper. But first a quick recap.

TA, developed by Eric Berne, is a tool to help us understand the basis of our behaviour and feelings and allows us to analyse our transactions (communications) and choose a way to respond. A transaction is an interaction or conversation between 2 people and consists of a stimulus by one person (the sender) and a response by the other (the receiver). Each of our personalities is made up of the parent, adult, and child ego state. And the three states exist in all of us!

TA is a change tool. It works on the premise that we are responsible for our future regardless of what happened in the past. Berne believed that our childhood experiences, particularly how we are parented, effects the developmental formation of our three ego states. This can then unconsciously cause us to replay the same attitudes and behaviours that our parents had towards us to someone else during a conversation. And as always, awareness is the first step towards change.

We interact with people every day via conversations, emails, short messages, and our ego states are involved in all of them. If we realise there are aspects of ourselves we do not like or that are not of service to us, then TA is a good tool to help us change. For example, if you think you use the critical parent ego state often and would like to use the adult ego more then you can practice using the adult ego state. You decide which ego state you want to use more and which ego state you want to use less.

There is a questionnaire that can help you determine what percentage of each ego state you tend to use. But you don’t need the questionnaire to tell you which ego state you tend to use. Listening to yourself or getting feedback from those close to you will give you some good insights.

Take me for example, I tend to use the adult ego state most frequently. The questionnaire concurred too. But I would like to use my (free) child ego state more and I am trying to practice doing so. This will also help me match my husband’s natural (relaxed) use of his (free) child ego state. The child ego state will not serve us in all our conversations but when it is a conversation that is best served by both our child ego states, then our conversation becomes more aligned - honest, uncomplicated, and straightforward. This is what makes TA powerful. It allows us to choose what we want to change so we can communicate the way we want to.

This week let’s look at how we can get more aware of the state we are using and where dissonance can occur.  It is important to note that we can switch ego states (easily). We do it without much thought.  

We can make a request in all 3 ego states. For example, taking out the trash.

“Can you take the trash out please?” – adult

“Don’t forget to take the trash out” or “have you taken the trash out?”– critical parent

“Do me a favour and take the trash out please” – nurturing parent

“Isn’t it your turn to take the trash out?” or “I am not taking out the trash, you do it” – free child

“Shall I take the trash out now?” – adaptive child

Just imagine yourself asking the question as the adult, the parent, and the child. Notice how your body language, enunciation and tone change with each. There are no specific words that we can attach to each ego state. It is more the behaviour and feelings that help us determine which ego state we or someone else is using.

And this is where dissonance occurs in conversations. When the sender’s ego state is not in alignment with the receiver’s ego state. Or what is called a crossed transaction.

There is no set way to re-align a conversation but a safe way to do so is to ‘raise’ the transaction to an adult-adult conversation. The adult ego state develops later than the parent and child ego state. The parent and child are often our default circuits which tend to respond ‘automatically’ to stimuli. But the adult is there with us too. It requires a bit of a ‘pause’ and ‘thought’ to bring our adult to the fore. Awareness and practice help.

Next time you feel dissonance in your transactions examine where your misalignment is then pause, think, and choose your way back to alignment. TA is a good tool to help us understand ourselves better. It can also help us see more clearly how we interact with others. We have the power to change a transaction to serve us better.

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com