Trust yourself - get out of your way!

“No way, I am not ready for my boss’s role”.

This was my client’s reaction to my hypothetical question – “could you do your boss’s role should she not return from maternity leave?” My question nearly caused a panic attack in my client.

The irony of the situation is that my client IS currently performing her boss’s role AND she is doing it well! But her internal narrative does not allow her to first, trust herself to do it well and second, see and acknowledge her success.

And this situation is not unique to my client. It is a common narrative for many I work with irrespective of hierarchy, from senior leaders to junior leaders.

Why is that?

I put it down to 2 things. The first is my analysis of the narrative and the second is the neuroscience behind it:

1.      We are conditioned not to trust ourselves

2.      Our brains see change as a threat

We start life with big dreams and visions for our future. But as we progress through the various institutions (schools, colleges, universities), these dreams begin to fade. We become governed by what is right and wrong (according to someone else – parents, teachers), what is socially and culturally acceptable and not (according to someone else – elders, culture, society), etc. Pretty soon we find ourselves conditioned to think a certain way according to someone else.

The result, unless we consciously work on it, is we lose the ability to trust ourselves. Which makes us seek answers from everyone else but us. One of the key objectives of my future-proofing work is to help people trust themselves (again). Regaining the inner confidence and self-trust that we are born with. Life can sometimes beat the dream out of us, but it is for us to trust it back. Perhaps to a more evolved and adapted dream.

It is an experimental and experiential process and NOT without failure. But when did we ever learn anything without failing? We learned to walk only after falling (many) times. We learned to cycle only after falling several times when our training wheels were removed. AND our parents cheered us on as we fell!

I learned to ski, an activity that I so love, only after falling spectacularly in the early days. One fall even took me to the emergency room! Even now, if I don’t trust myself, I fall. Skiing is unforgiving that way. If you don’t put your weight onto the front of your skis (downward slope), which goes against every cell in your brain, you lose control and fall!

My last ski trip to Hintertux, Austria. Skiing at -18 C!

But with every fall I learned to trust myself even more. To shift my weight onto the front of my skis and get myself (my posture) perfectly perpendicular to the slope. Not an easy feat but achievable.

The brain is an adaptive organ. It is a muscle after all. Just like any muscle, if we keep working on it, it changes (strengthens).

But it takes effort because the brain sees change as a threat!

The brain’s main function is to keep us safe and alive. Anything that it deems unsafe is seen as a threat. Change may put us in danger and hence change is perceived as a threat. This is due to its design but there are ways to override this feature. It takes effort and it may not be comfortable. Like my skiing.

And it starts with how we PERCEIVE change – as a threat or a challenge.

The image below shows the difference. If we see change as a threat it can lead to distress. However, if we see change as a challenge, it creates eustress (good stress). A bit of stress (cortisol) is needed for us to function effectively.

The Neuroscience of change - image courtesy of NeuroLeadership Institute

But if we get overwhelmed with a challenge eustress can convert to distress and that’s not good for anyone. Distress creates psychological changes that impact our ability to think and process information clearly. Eustress creates psychological changes that lead to enhanced focus and concentration.

My advise for rebuilding self-trust is, if you feel you are working too hard and getting too stressed, you may need to find another approach or seek a new perspective. When this happens to me, my question to myself is, “what am I missing?” I then trust myself with my answer and repeat the question until I achieve my vision or overcome my challenge.

But here’s the thing, it may take time and it may involve some failure! Remember to cheer yourself on as you fail.

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com