‘It’s not that I don’t know what to do, I don’t do what I know!’
These were my client’s exact words during our coaching conversation. We were talking about her current challenge, and she said she knew what she had to do. Her challenge wasn’t technical. It was a collaboration (human interaction) issue. And she realised as we spoke that she just didn’t do what she knew she had to do.
Welcome to being human! This applies to all of us at some point in our day, every day!
There’s a French saying, “when you know your sickness, you are halfway cured!” I told my client that her awareness alone was half the battle. The next step was to try a new behaviour/behaviours to get past herself.
Having emersed myself over the years in my neuroscience and emotional literacy work, I have realised that all of us ‘know’ what to do. Most of us know what our next steps are, what to do, where to go and whom to see to progress. We often know this intuitively! The old wisdom holds - ‘the answer is within you.’ Which is why coaching is such a popular tool. It helps us find our wisdom through our own insights.
But the doing is where the magic lies.
If you want to get fit or lose weight, some components of this will involve exercise and/or diet. Not getting to your ideal fitness level is not because you don’t know what to do, it’s because you don’t do what you know.
Simple.
Feedback is another great example. Most of us know that feedback is helpful to our evolution. Some of us are lucky because we are given feedback without seeking it.
But today I want to focus on seeking feedback.
Research by the NeuroLeadership Institute shows that 60% of employees want regular feedback from their bosses but only 50% of managers give constructive feedback. Often, we don’t give feedback because we worry about how the feedback is received. The negative reactions!
Image courtesy of Neuroleadership Institute
Feedback can cause our brains to have a threat response. But we also know that our brain is a muscle, and we can strengthen our feedback muscle. But to strengthen it we need to make feedback a habit.
A habit of giving and seeking feedback.
I am reading Erin Meyer’s book The Culture Map. Meyer is a culture guru, and her research is based on her work with different cultures. She has a chapter dedicated to the dos and don’ts of giving (negative) feedback in different cultures. Low context (precise, clear, simple communications) versus high context (sophisticated, nuanced, layered communications) cultures and direct versus indirect feedback.
I understand where she is coming from, but my thinking differs slightly from hers. I have worked in different cultures and know that it’s about how we say what we want to say. Yes, certain cultures have their certain idiosyncrasies but ultimately, it’s about treating every person as a human.
Where my thinking differs from culture gurus and my friends and colleagues who work as culture consultants is that it seems like they (gurus and consultants) are focused on how the culture is meant to be instead of how the culture wants to be (progress).
The world is changing and so are cultures. In every workshop or programme I run in Asia (Malaysia/Singapore), I talk about my European experience of working across different cultures. I say how clear, simple, precise conversations and constructive, direct feedback were the norm. And EVERY time my Asian audience would say they wish they practised the same. It would make life so much easier they said.
So, although Asians are ‘catergorised’, according to Meyer, as high context/indirect feedback I know most would prefer lower context/direct feedback.
It would save so much time and energy!
But the magic lies in the doing, making it a habit (culture) of clear communications, giving and seeking useful feedback.
3 criteria for asking for feedback, courtesy of Neuroleadership Institute:
1. Be explicit – so you get the feedback you need, and the sharer knows what to focus on
2. Broadly – get diverse perspectives so you get a more accurate picture
3. Often - at least once a week so you can iterate in real-time and adapt quickly.
But this only works when you treat all parties as human. And here I agree with Meyer, it involves adapting and ultimately investing time and energy in building good relationships.
Anywhere in the world!
As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com