Fear of people’s opinions
Yes, fear of people’s opinions or FOPO exists.
And we can all relate to it!
I recently spoke to a friend who was invited to give a talk at a function, part of a two-day conference organised by a local (Malaysian) financial institution. It was a good platform for my friend to network and be seen. Unfortunately, his timeslot was lunchtime.
Most speakers at conferences or events know that some of the worst time slots to have are the slots:
just before lunch (you are in the way of lunch),
just after lunch (the blood has rushed to the stomach and the brain just can’t focus on what you are saying),
the last slot of the day (most leave early - rush hour and after-hours plans take priority over you).
I have seen some event organisers keep the star speaker for the last slot to induce ‘staying power’.
Lunch hour is exactly that, a break for lunch. Which is why I laughed when I heard that my friend’s talk was OVER lunch. The schedule was packed and lunch became part of the schedule. “You can’t compete with food”, I said. Especially in Malaysia. We love our food. Our brains are (generally) easily distracted, and food can be a great distraction.
My friend felt disappointed with his delivery. When I dug deeper, it wasn’t the content and delivery that was really at the heart of his disappointment. It was the audience's reaction to his content. My take on it was, there was no real reaction or response because the audience was otherwise engaged. Either tucking into their lunch or waiting for it. Both scenarios can make it harder for the brain to engage intellectually.
Because the audience didn’t ‘seem responsive’ to his talk, he felt it didn’t go well and could have done more/better to engage them. I, on the other hand, thought it wasn’t the audience. It was more about my friend and his FOPO. Because of our fundamental need for external validation, as humans, we can turn the sword on ourselves more easily than we would direct it toward the situation.
In an excellent article in the Harvard Business Review, ‘Free your people from the need for social approval’, author Micheal Gervais says that “FOPO is an anticipatory mechanism that involves psychological, physiological, and physical activation to avoid rejection. It is also characterized by a hypervigilant social readiness and a relentless scanning of the environment in search of approval. In overvaluing what others might be thinking, we become highly attuned to signals—body language, microexpressions, words, silence, actions, and inactions—of potential rejection. FOPO is an exhaustive attempt to interpret what others are thinking in an effort to preempt a negative evaluation by them. It is not the actual negative opinion that is so problematic—it’s the fear of it. Though FOPO does not meet the criteria for clinical diagnosis, it creates significant distress.”
He continues, “FOPO has always been part of the human condition.”
We have ALL experienced this.
I cannot be sure if FOPO was the only reason for my friend’s take on his performance, but I believe it played a vital role. Because the following day my friend obtained feedback that his talk was well received.
The way forward?
Shifting from a performance-based identity to a purpose-based identity. Gervais says, ‘Purpose is an internally derived, generalized intention that has intrinsic value for you but is also bigger than you. It has a forward-looking orientation. Purpose becomes the filter through which we arrive at decisions, establish priorities, and make choices. Instead of asking ourselves “Am I liked?” or “Do people think highly of my work?” our reference point becomes “Am I being true to my purpose?”’
Which is the conversation I had with my friend as we did a post-mortem on that day. I know my friend is passionate about his work and good at what he does. “Focus on your message and delivery. That’s what’s in your control”, I said.
I read this article only after our conversation. It resonated, in this and many other instances.
As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com