Befriending anxiety – a work and life skill!
Last week I wrote about my cognitive dissonance during date nights. We can face cognitive dissonance every day. But in most instances, it is resolved through our cognition and usually unconsciously. We don’t even realise it.
But cognitive dissonance can be a double-edged sword. Anxiety (or another emotion) versus little white lies – the two sides of the sword. Allow me to explain.
I believe cognitive dissonance is a good thing because it tells us something matters. And the way we know something matters is when we feel discomfort or pain. It is typically felt physically in the body. And our brains are wired to resolve pain and restore order. This is the function of brain 1.0.
Although dissonance tells us something matters, our automatic response is to reduce our dissonance quickly to bring back stability. But doing so could make us give in too soon. We succumb to our discomfort and settle too soon.
What is better, but requires some courage, is to feel the discomfort, usually anxiety, thereby overriding the body’s instinct to reduce the discomfort through avoidance, distraction, and more. And, here, choice plays a key role.
Fundamentally cognitive dissonance is about choice and choosing. Choosing to befriend anxiety!
Anxiety is not a bad thing. Most of us, if not all of us, have gotten where we are by overcoming anxiety at different milestones in our lives. That first job interview, the first speech, the first date, becoming a parent, and so on. We did well in some, not so well in others, and learned from it and went on to experience more anxious moments. We somehow got through it.
Today, I want to propose a more structured way to befriend and navigate our anxiety. In the Field Guide to Emotions by Dan Newby and Curtis Watkins, anxiety is defined by:
Story: I believe something may harm me, but I’m not sure what it might be
Impulse: to worry
Purpose: warns us of possible danger even if we can’t identify what the danger is
Newby and Curtis also state that if we do not have a way to break out of our circular thinking or worrying, it can dominate our attention. And anxiety is often confused with fear, but it is different. In fear we can name the thing that may harm us. In anxiety, we can’t. It is an imagined harm that holds us back from possibilities and our future.
Newby and Curtis then state how the body feels anxiety. We feel tightening in the belly, shoulders, and neck. We have short, shallow breaths, faster than resting pace. We are hunched and want to move away, and our brows can be furrowed.
My next suggestion is going to sound counter-intuitive, but it is an effective way to experience and navigate anxiety or any other emotion. Take time to feel the anxiety in your body. Without judgement, stay with the sensations as they present themselves. It will be uncomfortable but do persevere.
Because addressing and feeling the anxiety in the moment stops it from becoming a belief that you take into the future! It stops us from taking the story, ‘I can’t do this’ into the future, whatever this is, in your context.
Then, when ready, do the opposite. Straighten up, open your shoulders, take deeper breaths, lower it to resting pace and then take ONE SMALL STEP towards the source of your dissonance.
So, if your anxiety is about speaking up at your next team meeting, start simply by giving your view to something that is said in the meeting. Or if it is about giving your first presentation to the board and you think your anxiety might betray you. Call it out, mention it with humour. Our brains are wired to spot authenticity and honesty just as it is wired to spot fake and arrogance. People (and their brains) appreciate authenticity and honesty.
But the important thing is to do SOMETHING. It’s in taking the tiny little steps that we begin to feel a difference and override the beliefs that we hold onto from the past. Because the alternative, not doing anything, is to make cognitive dissonance a bias. Yes, cognitive dissonance is a bias when we use it to pacify ourselves by telling ourselves little lies when we take the less optimal option. The other edge of the sword. Why would you sell yourself short?
This is why one of the three tips, last week, to reduce dissonance was to be real with yourself.
And context matters. Some dissonances are short-term and do not have long-term effects. The dissonances that show up more regularly require our attention to stop them from becoming beliefs. It is not easy, but it is worth it. Because we get to know ourselves better, align our thoughts and actions which triggers fewer negative emotions in us and others.
I am persevering with befriending my anxieties. It is not easy but I am appreciating its value.
As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com
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