Have you ever done something by default for years only to find out the scientific explanation for it later?

Well, that happened to me this week thanks to a book that I purchased last week. It’s called Chatter by Ethan Kross and it’s well worth a read. In summary, Kross is an experimental psychologist and neuroscientist who through his research discovered that humans feel social pain the same as physical pain. We feel negative feedback the same as a cut on our arm.

Chatter by his definition is our inner voice or voice in our head which consists of cyclical negative thoughts and emotions. Our inner voice is how we have conversations with ourselves. Sometimes it works for us and sometimes not, chatter. It is the same voice that is reading this article now. Presently, it is otherwise engaged, thanks to me!

This brings me to another related point. I was asked recently how and why I write these weekly articles which I have been doing now for nearly three years. My answer was swift and clear. What started as a writing challenge has turned into a weekly sharing ritual to help you (and others) navigate daily challenges in work and life. If something I write can help you feel more empowered and self-reliant, I have achieved my objective. And thanks to you, those of you who give me feedback, you keep me going! And of course, sharing includes my personal adventures too.

Back to chatter. In keeping with the theme of my last few articles, chatter fits in well. I said, in a past article, that our personal narrative is negative when it comes to change at home and work. And because we spend, according to Kross, a third to half of our waking life, our default state, not living in the present, it is easy to understand why our personal narrative can become negative. Unless we make a conscious effort to listen and change our default state by getting above the clouds. Creating distance between us and our challenge or chatter.

Getting above the clouds is not always easy. I struggle with it sometimes and I am always on the lookout for quick, practical ways to ‘get above the clouds.’ And this week I experienced a challenge and Kross had a chapter written for me.

As an aside, Kross suggests that repeatedly sharing our chatter with sympathetic listeners in search of their support can push away the very people we need most. Food for thought.

Back to my challenge. We, Markus (my husband) and I were at a private hospital for a routine consultation with his orthopedic surgeon. We headed for the lift when we were done. As we waited for the lift and were about to get in, we were asked to step aside to make way for a VIP patient. I was nearly in the lift and was stopped from entering. Every cell in my body wanted to defy their request but I did the Malaysian thing and obliged. It was not someone in a wheelchair or less abled (I would have happily obliged), but someone who was considered ‘above’ the rest. Our emotions lag behind our actions. The action took a few seconds, my emotions lasted a couple of hours!

As I write about it now, I snigger and Kross also mentions that time helps create distance from our challenge. But sometimes we may not have time, then what?

Say your name!

Talk to yourself using your name. “Yoga, this is Malaysia”. I distanced myself in a few ways that day, mainly using ‘I’, but I fell short of talking to myself using my name. Incidentally, when I get serious with myself, I talk to myself using my name and IT DOES HELP! And I now have the neuroscience for why it works.

According to Kross, distance enables us to use our thoughts to change our thoughts! And speaking to ourselves as if we are speaking to someone else allows us to immediately step back. Here’s the real data according to Kross's research, using “I”, “me”, and “my” keeps us in the negative realm (thoughts and emotions)!

So, next time you face a challenge instead of asking, “what am I feeling?”, ask “what is ‘insert your name’ feeling?” May take a bit of getting used to.

Next week, I will write about one of Kross’s findings that is close to my heart. How our chatter can determine which genes get turned on or off in our body!

Until then, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com