We have all been there.

Someone said something to us that felt hurtful. We take it personally when we shouldn’t have. I also know that most of us know this, but it is so hard to do. To not take something personally.

I struggle with this too at times.

But here’s the thing. We need to make a habit of learning to separate ourselves from the feedback.

Why?

Because it helps us gain objectivity to then learn and evolve. It also helps us separate opinion from fact.  

Let’s unpack this.

Words have incredible power to uplift or put us down. But here’s the other thing, WE have control over whether the spoken words of another impact us or not. My late mother was an expert at this. She never took what anyone said (negatively) personally. In fact, she never took positive or negative comments personally. I now realise she had mastered the skill of separating opinion from fact.

But first, the difference between opinion and fact.

Fact: a statement that can be proven true or false

Opinion: a statement that expresses a feeling, an attitude, or belief

As Mark Twain said ‘‘It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so,’

When we believe something is a fact when it is only an opinion and a wrong one, we hold ourselves back.

According to my dear friend, Deanne Duncombe, and soon to be the author of the book, ‘What if Life came with a User Guide?’, states that opinions cannot be right or wrong and because they can’t be right or wrong, they can only affect us if we give them the authority to do so. Opinions tell us more about the speaker of the opinion than they do the object of the opinion. We can choose how we use opinions, including our own opinions of ourselves and others!’

So, what is the way forward? How do we objectively separate ourselves from the feedback so that we can learn and evolve?

And here I call on London Business School professor, Herminia Ibarra’s advise: engage a playful frame of mind. And I truly believe my mother did so.

‘When we adopt a playful attitude, we’re more open to possibilities. Being open to trying new things. Moments that most challenge our sense of self are the ones that teach us the most about ourselves. Viewing ourselves as works in progress and evolving our identities through trial and error helps us develop a personal style that feels right. Action changes who we are and what we believe is worth doing.’

Her research states 3 important ways to get started:

1.    Learn from diverse role models

Some form of imitation is necessary for growth, but don’t limit yourself to one person’s leadership style. Borrow styles from various people to create your own multi-dimensional style.

Whenever I find myself stuck or in a tight spot, I often ask myself, “What would Amma (my mother) do here?”. It helps me rise above the clouds to gain perspective.

 2.    Work on getting better

Focus on the value of experimentation by setting learning goals, not just performance goals. Stretch the limits of who you are by doing new things that make you uncomfortable but help you discover by direct experience who you want to become.

Approach the situation as your future self. If you have a clear vision of your future self, what would your future self do? What emotions and moods will help you embody your future self? This has an impact on others too.

3.    Don’t stick to your story

Dispose of outdated self-concepts and draw on personal narratives that fit your circumstances as you’re taking on new challenges.

This is key! We often hold ourselves back through the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Wherever you have a story that is not working for you, check if it is a fact or opinion.

From a future-proofing perspective, this statement of Ibarra says it all. ‘The only way we grow as leaders is by stretching the limits of who we are—doing new things that make us uncomfortable but that teach us through direct experience who we want to become. Such growth doesn’t require a radical personality makeover. Small changes—in the way we carry ourselves, the way we communicate, the way we interact—often make a world of difference in how effectively we lead.’

Simple yet powerful. Tough to practise but possible.

The next time you see yourself taking what someone said personally, take a step back and first discern if it is a fact or an opinion. And check the stories that come flooding in to try and make an opinion a fact. Start re-writing those stories!

Doubting all of this? Read this old article of mine on doubt. It should help you gain clarity. 

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com