A couple of conversations this week got me thinking about future-proofing our memories, particularly concerning our loved ones.

First, let me start by explaining what I mean by future-proofing. My definition of future-proofing is being my future self today. Living tomorrow today. For those of you from the school of presence and being in the moment, future-proofing still applies. I believe in the power of now too and future-proofing is about the now. And the skill to do this is adaptability.

And in case you are wondering, you are already future-proofing yourself. You brushed your teeth yesterday to have better teeth today. You slept last night (hopefully well) to be rejuvenated and rested today.

But to step out of our routine future-proofing self and practise conscious future-proofing we need the help of our most powerful organ. Our brain.

The brain is an amazing organ. It is a superpower but this superpower can also work against us at times. In his book, Sapiens, Juval Harari states that the uniqueness of us, Sapiens, is our power to imagine! It was what set us apart from other Homos (humans) too. Yes, we can imagine, ‘look into the future’, to visualise how we want things to be. We can disrupt, innovate through this ability.

But this superpower can also work against us. As much as we can imagine good things, we can imagine bad things too! And it does not help that our brains are skewed toward the negative.

What do I mean by this? Inherited from our forefathers, our brains are biased towards the negative and drama. It’s our brain’s design. It is possible to counter this, but it requires conscious practise.

Think about it, if I ask you to recollect something significant from your childhood, it may most likely (not always) be a negative story.

The time you were told off by a parent for bad behaviour which you still recollect today! Or when your teacher told you that you wouldn’t be successful in life (ouch!). Or you had to move schools because of your father’s work and disliked it.

So, this got me thinking about future-proofing our memories, especially where our nearest and dearest are concerned. We can’t change the past, but we CAN shape our future. Today!

And a chat with my dear friend who is the sole carer for her aging mother was my trigger. My friend has a sibling, but she is overseas. The day-to-day caring for her mum falls on my friend’s shoulders. And it is proving to be quite some weight. Her mum has several health issues which compound my friend’s responsibilities.

Recently, on a rather more challenging day, she blurted out to her mother. “I don’t want these to be the memories I have of you after you pass”.

Spot on, I thought!

I lost both my parents recently. And though the death of a loved one is a certainty we all face, experiencing it is unique for each of us and one that is difficult to ‘imagine’. And though I have many fond memories of both my parents, some memories that popped up, after their passing, were not so fond ones. That’s why my friend’s words resonated so much.

Some of the memories that came flooding in for me were my tough conversations with them, my irritations with them on occasions, and where I fell short of my own standards (not theirs). But these are few compared to ALL the happier memories. Caveat: this depends on your overall relationship with your parents. And neuroscience can help us maintain control.

Now, through neuroscience, I understand why. Our brains are wired for the negative and drama. So, I actively worked on changing that design and it has worked for me. You can work on it too.

Here’s what I did.

Every time a ‘not so nice’ memory showed up, I would go into my virtual folders and pick a nicer one. I say ‘not so nice’ (in quotes) because most of them, to my realisation later, were me being hard on myself. Such as, ‘did I do enough?’ The ‘if only(s), could have(s), should have(s)!’

This is not guilt as I know I did the best I could and more.

It was me sabotaging myself. Something else I had to re-imagine.

So, if you are a lucky one with a parent or both parents alive, create ‘good’ memories NOW to future-proof your memories of them.

If they have both passed, re-imagine your memories IF your brain defaults.

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com