Date night and my cognitive dissonance

September 25, 2021 Yoga Nesadurai

Have you changed your mind after placing your order with a waiter at a restaurant? Well, I have and still do, sometimes.

My husband, Markus, and I make it a point to go on date night at least once a week. It has become a ritual for us. A time when we put all else aside and just appreciate ourselves and the present. Including food not cooked by me. I am the chef in the house, and I cook every day. We hardly do take-outs. So, the ritual of date night is also a break, for me, from cooking.

But there is a part of our date night that can amuse (he may disagree) Markus. And it’s me ordering my meal. If I have not made my mind up before I get to the venue (I usually check their menu online before booking), I tend to change my mind! Yes, when it comes to choosing an option from a menu, my cognitive dissonance gets activated!

Lucky for me, Markus is now used to it, and I am comfortable with his discomfort and mine!

Cognitive dissonance is when our thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes conflict with each other - holding two opposing thoughts at the same time. Or when our thoughts and actions are NOT aligned. For example, you are trying to lose weight and have sworn off eating cake. Then at a work function that includes a meal, you notice cake and suddenly your sworn-off vow becomes questionable. That is cognitive dissonance, and it can lead to decision fatigue.

Just as in my case above, choosing between two or more equal contenders for my stomach becomes anxiety-inducing. Before, I would choose quickly to reduce the dissonance and make a choice (that did not sit well). Disliking my first choice I would then change my order. Much to Markus’s dismay.

This is a trivial example, one that is overcome quickly but a real one. Cognitive dissonance is something most of us face every day. It is more common than we realise. And I am not talking about the mental and emotional discomfort from deciding which tie or dress to wear every day. Though this can be unproductive if it takes up too much of our thinking bandwidth, which is why Barrack Obama and Mark Zuckerberg wear the same thing every day.

We face greater levels of dissonance in other areas. Here are three real examples:

In meetings with the bosses, you want to be your best (A self) but because of a past experience (that was not great), you second guess yourself (B self).
You sit to watch tv but feel you could be doing something more valuable.
You avoid moments of quiet because you are not sure what to do with yourself (your thoughts and emotions).

These are all forms of dissonance and what typically happens once we become aware of our mental and emotional discomfort that cognitive dissonance causes, our next reflex is to reduce the dissonance in some manner. So, what tends to happen is we adjust the importance of one option, so it is less dissonant.

So, in the examples above dissonance was reduced by:

taking your B self to the board room instead of your A self
working instead of taking a (much needed) break
surfing the net, social media or other ways to avoid yourself.

Cognitive dissonance creates inconsistency that can lead to anxiety. But I don’t believe it’s a bad thing. Because it gives us the freedom to choose what we want to do and how we want to do it and it is a great way to get to know ourselves says DR. Michele Leno. Discomfort tells us something matters. We need to pause to, first, notice and be present with our discomfort and then deduce the necessary change(s) in our behaviour.

Awareness is the first step and a crucial one to reduce dissonance. Here are 3 tips:

· Sense your dissonance and address it head-on (feel and be present with it)

· Take full responsibility for your thoughts, emotions and actions

· Be real as possible with yourself