The institution of marriage has evolved with time. There are now couples around the world who bypass marriage and cohabitate instead. Laws in certain countries recognise cohabiting couples giving them the same status and privileges as married ones.

In Asia, we still see marriage as the all-important threshold to cross when one is of ‘marriageable age’. Parents dream of the day when they will see their offspring tie the knot. For daughters, this day is often thought of the day she is born. Marriage is a major milestone that implies the security of lineage, the next generation(s).

This was important in past times, and present day too, with certain cultures that offspring are betrothed at birth. But in some cultures, brides did not know whom they would marry until the day of the marriage. In other cultures, arranged marriages are still very common. The girl’s parents would choose an ideal ‘boy’ for their daughter from the same ‘pure’ bloodline or caste. Some of these cultures, even today, would not allow inter-marriages. Someone from another village would be considered taboo let alone from another race, religion, or country. Some are ostracised from their families for this!

But change and evolution are happening in small bites in Asia and around the world. The newer generation is thinking for itself and breaking old tradition or ‘old thinking’ and choosing to live life on their terms. And some still value the tradition and significance that marriage holds and we, my family, celebrated my nephew’s marriage this week.

It was a civil marriage. The traditional ceremony will be in November. The ceremony and signing should have happened 2 years ago but covid, like for many of us, changed the plans. So, they opted for a civil marriage officiated by a registrar at a temple and came home as husband and wife. Some of our elders today only recognise the bride and groom as husband and wife AFTER the traditional ceremony (not the civil ceremony)!

And as a (married) aunty of the groom, I was part of a traditional ritual to welcome the newlywed’s home.

A (married) aunty of the bride and I performed a protection ritual for the couple to eradicate the ‘evil eye’ that they may have attracted. Any negativity is cleared before the couple enters the bride’s family home. Traditionally, the bride would then go onto the groom’s parent’s home and live with them. The ‘joint-family’. But the realities of today make this impractical. My nephew and his wife live and work abroad. Even if they both lived in Malaysia, they would have lived separately.

The celebration concluded with lunch. The wedding ceremony and rituals in November will follow tradition more closely. But again, only at the symbolic level. Practicalities dictate otherwise. But I am appreciating the symbolism of some of these rituals. There is a reason our ancestors designed such elaborate rituals. Here’s a brief explanation of the protection ritual.

The tray contains 3 wicks placed in 3 cut bananas in a tray. The banana acts as the wick holder. The tray contains a small amount of ‘red’ water. This is a mixture of turmeric, limestone, and water. The colour red symbolises the warder of evil and turmeric a cleanser. When the bride and groom arrive, the wicks are lit, and protection is bestowed on them in three clockwise movements starting at the bottom then around them as seen in the video. The fire signifies purity and acts as the messenger between us and the Gods. The number 3 symbolises the three phases life – creation, preservation, transformation. The fire is then put out and both of us (aunties) touch the ‘red’ water with our finger and place it on the forehead, the third eye, of the bride and groom. Connection to and protection by the Gods!

I am appreciating my traditions as I actively take part in them now. And as I become an active participant rather than just a follower or bystander, I want to know the significance of what I do as I do them. It helps me do with intent and intent, I believe, helps us be our authentic selves.

But this applies to things we do daily too not just traditions. The answer to the question ‘why do I do what I do?’ helps us discern our intent. If you are feeling stressed, chances are you may be experiencing dissonance, misalignment between thought and action, in one (or more) of your activities. Sometimes this is good stress, keeps us alert and prepared. Other times it can hold us back because we are unclear about our intent. Intent can help us recentre ourselves or find an alternative solution.

So, do you know why do you do what you do?

As always, you can reach me at yoga@yoganesadurai.com